I think about how excited we should've been getting. I don't reckon I would be able to sleep by this point.
Our family and friends would have been starting to arrive from interstate and overseas, while our family and friends that already live here would be helping us get the house ready for the tea ceremony, and the last loose ends tied. No doubt I would be upset with my dad over something he had only just remembered to tell me that I needed to do, lest risk dishonouring my culture.
We would have just bought all the stuff for the cheese table that my work friend was going to put together for us and we would be struggling to fit it in the fridge with all the food for the family meet-and-greet BBQ that my sister and cousin were going to throw for us the next day, after my bridesmaids and I had been up since ridiculous-o'clock buying and arranging the flowers for the big day. Somewhere in the day I would have to find time to get my nails done.
I would be tired, and stressed, and most likely irritable. Someone - probably my sister or Aron - would have to tell me to pull my head in and stop being a jerk before I realised and settled down.
My blood type by this point would likely be Moccona Dark Roast. I would be looking forward to a transfusion of gin on Saturday. And to seeing Aron cry as I walked down the aisle towards him (or making him cry if he wasn't *shakes fist*) and to finally getting to marry the love of my life and partying with my friends and family. Before finally getting to move in to my house officially and live with a boy not related to me!
Instead, here we are. In the middle of a global pandemic. At home, in self-isolation. On the annual leave that we originally took for the wedding. One of my bosses did ask if I still wanted to take it - I told him if I could I would, because I needed some mental health time, but also that I could come back to work early if need be - it's not as if I would be doing anything anyway. I did get to move in, but that was more so that I stopped taking my hospital germs home to my dad and family, and spreading them between two houses. I suppose it's something though. And my relationship with my Dad has definitely been so much better for it - I've gone from trying to avoid seeing him in our own home, to speaking to him on the phone every day, and genuinely missing him.
Cancelling the wedding that we've been planning and looking forward to for a year and a half sucks, and I'm not gonna lie, I've had a few breakdowns about it. And then I've felt kind of guilty about said breakdowns. It's really weird, experiencing grief over something like this while so many people are sick and dying around the world. It feels irresponsible to wish that you were still getting married - after all, it was for the best - not just for you but for everyone - to cancel, so people remind you, as if it's not possible to both mourn the loss of your wedding and still understand the importance of social distancing.
It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that it was okay to be upset; that I could be sad and still understand where cancelling our wedding fit into the scale of things going on in the world. I've worked in cancer therapy for the past six years, and perspective is not a new concept. I get over things eventually, you just gotta let me be dramatic first.
This week we officially announced our new wedding date - if the universe allows it - a year and nine days from now. All of our vendors but one were available, and the one that wasn't was happy to give us a refund for the deposit. Before we set out to rebook everything we made a pact to be as kind as we could because we knew that the industry was going to be hurting, and that we were in a position that not all other couples would be - with clinical jobs in public health that weren't going anywhere anytime soon, and being able to afford not to need our money back so long as the services were eventually provided. We made it clear that if anyone needed help, we could, and thankfully kindness is quite often reciprocated and re-planning was made easy.
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It's such a strange time. A few months ago I'm sure the situation we all find ourselves in would have seemed impossible, yet here we are. Will all of us agree with the decisions that have to be made to keep us safe? No. Are we overreacting? Who knows. Are we not doing enough? Maybe.
But you know what, we have to trust that they are trying. Being in charge of a country must be fucking hard, and whatever decisions they make are going to be criticized. If we lock down and lives are spared, then people say we overreacted at the cost of the economy. If we don't lock down and this spirals out of control then the government hasn't done enough. Everyone suddenly becomes an expert as if making those calls are just that easy.
I look at what's happening in NY and just think of how much worse things could be. No one wants that. No one wishes that for any part of the world. You may not think this thing is a big deal, and you know what, you could be right, it could be the media blowing it out of proportion. But what if you're wrong? How shitty would you feel knowing that you had the chance to do something about it but you didn't? If someone you loved got sick because you didn't take things seriously?
I don't know how this post ended up going down this path. I'm not the kind of girl that talks about politics or world matters generally. I stopped watching the news for years because it just made me sad. I'm not saying that I agree with all of the decisions being made by our government, but man, everyone's trying their best. The least you can do is try and do yours, and to be kind while you're at it. At stop fucking hoarding shit you don't need.
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Originally when we made the decision to cancel our big wedding, we were still going to have a small tea ceremony at my Dad's, followed by a small backyard ceremony with just immediate family and the bridal party, so we could sign the papers. But then the tighter restrictions of only having five guests at a wedding came in and we felt it wouldn't be right to have our parents there at the very least, so we canned that too.
We were pretty sad about that as well, but it was a much easier hit to take. It helped that we got to come home to each other every day. And on top of that, all these people started being so extra kind to us - sending snacks and donuts and earrings and cheese and woolies and uber eats gift cards and all sorts of love and things that we didn't need but were so appreciated. And it was all too much and I still feel like we don't deserve such kindness, but it made me realise that we had to stop being so sad.
So we've decided that this Saturday, the 18th of April, 2020, our original wedding date, we're going to have a pretend wedding, with just the two of us, in our house. We're going to decorate the house and get all dolled up and do mini mock-versions of what we were gonna do on the day, from the tea ceremony, to mini vows and a ring exchange, a reception and a disco, and live stream and zoom parts of it. Everyone is invited to the 'reception' from 6.30pm onward, but dressing up is mandatory. Our catering will be provided by Uber Eats - thanks Bec - and I'm baking a cake to cut as I type. Hope you can join us! Yep, it's all kinda cheesy, but it's heaps better than just being sad!
Here's a picture of a candle I made for one of the tea ceremony trays. Traditionally, one of the trays contains big red fancy candles with a Phoenix and a Dragon on them. This gives you an idea of the quality you're going to receive from Saturday's shenanigans haha!
