blergh.

'How are you?'

'...I'm a bit blergh to be honest!'

'Blergh?'

'Yeah. I can't explain it in words really. Just blergh.'

***

Tomorrow I sit an interview for my first big-girl job. It's in front of a panel of three Chief Radiation Therapists. On one hand I'm quite confident because I know I'm good at what I do (or, rather, what I will be doing next year). On the other, I have only just started studying and I know I have the tendency to let nerves get the better of me. I stumble through my words, I shake, I sweat profusely. I have a history of not exactly making the best first impressions. Like I've said before, if I were me, I'd think I was weird.  

I've been giving myself these little mental pep-talks in between testing myself with possible interview questions. I've been telling that little part of my brain that doubts that I can do it to shut up. That whatever happens, I'll handle it. I'm a smart, proficient, articulate young lady, who is perfect for the job. I just need to be confident in me, instead of being so scared of failing.

I've been reading a book called 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' (albeit very slowly; reading has never really been my forte). I must admit that I was a little apprehensive at first about going down the self-help book road because of that whole stigma that comes with it. Telling people that you're reading that type of book usually results in laughs and subtle judgement, and sometimes not so subtle digs. But then I just thought, who the hell cares. I'm gonna do it anyway.

Anyway the point is, the book tells you that no matter what, you're still going to feel scared. Everyone does. The only way you're going to get over your fear is to push yourself to do the things that make you scared - and then realise, that they perhaps weren't so scary after all. And I don't mean things like going skydiving or bungee jumping (but if you want to do that, more power to you) - more little steps out of your comfort zone. Like, for example, the thought of driving to unfamiliar places used to make me extremely anxious. I used to get really flustered and freak out about it. Because of it I would never venture out of my local area to eat, or do other things unless someone else was driving. Recently though, I've pushed myself to step out of that comfort zone, and I've never looked back. I find myself going on little adventures all around Sydney, just for funsies. I love it (paying for petrol, not so much lol).

I'm also trying to limit my use of  the phrases 'I can't' and 'hopefully' and consciously replacing them with something along the lines of 'I know I'll handle it.' It's an adjustment, but so far it's moving me in the right direction I think.

The other day I told a friend about how I've always got the paranoids that people won't like me, or that they'll think I'm weird, or that I'm gonna offend people accidentally. I told her about how I quite often over-analyse every interaction I ever have with, well, anybody. I go over it again, and again in my head.

She put things into perspective for me, by telling me something that I rationally already knew. She said that it's human nature to want to be liked, and of course, no one ever wants to be disliked.  But not everyone is going to like you. As long as you go in with the best intentions, then that's all you can do. If you didn't mean to offend them and they get offended, then that's their problem, not yours. Don't stress over it; just accept it.

I'm still having these off days though. Where everything just gets a bit too much. And I'm tired. And I miss you. At least, the idea of you. And I stress that maybe I've made some horrible mistake with my life and that I won't be able to recover. But then I stop and breathe and think it through. Of course I'm always going to care. I'm always going to wonder, what if? What if things had been different? Part of me is always going to wish you were here to share these big milestones with me. Part of me is always going to miss you.

But there's no use in dwelling over things that can't be changed. You can't start the next chapter of your life, if you keep rereading the last one. So I'm trying to push myself, to look forward. Concentrate on what's to come, and not what's already been.

And on that note, I have an interview to prepare for.

Release.

I've been meaning to start this for a while, because sometimes the thoughts swimming around my head go beyond shoes and sequins.

Sometimes I have these feelings, and these things that I want to say - but I don't know where or how to begin. And I'm scared. Scared because I've tried so hard to show the world how happy I am. How strong I am. How well I'm coping with, well, life in general.

I tell people that I can't help that I'm amazing. I project confidence. I strive to be the best at everything I do. It annoys me when I'm not, but even then, I smile and push my way through.

I cover my walls (both in real life, and in cyber-life) with quotes, and sayings that I trick myself into believing will be my new mantras. I tell myself to 'take time to find me' and not to worry, 'be happy' and that 'things will be okay in the end, and if they're not, then it's not the end.' I hope that if I repeat them long enough, they'll stick.

I shop lots. For things that I don't need, and quite often, don't really want.

I eat lots. Not because I'm hungry, just because.

I train lots. I like the way the tired makes me feel. 

I bake lots. This started fairly recently and I don't know why.

When people ask me how I am, I always tell them something along the lines of 'Yeah...good!' or 'Yeah...I'm doing well!' or 'I really can't complain!'

And that's the thing. I don't feel like I should complain, because honestly, I know my life really isn't bad. I have a supportive family and amazing friends. I've got no bills to pay, I'm in good health and I've got barely any responsibilities. I've got a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. I have excess of anything I could ever need. And yet I still find myself wanting.

I have often told friends that if I weren't me, then I'd think that I was weird. Sometimes I'm socially awkward and my sentences don't come out right. I have these brain farts and say strange things or lag between responses. I slur words and have to start over again.

I over analyse every conversation I've ever had with anyone. I go over scenarios again and again in my head. This is the worst when I'm speaking to people that I don't know that well, and who don't know me that well. I fear their judgement. I've got the paranoids about offending people and I'm constantly scared that people don't or won't like me. I tell myself that I don't give a fuck what other people think about me and rationally, I know I really shouldn't. But the fact is I do, probably definitely too much.

I HATE the thought of people thinking that I'm weak. I hate pity. I hate the idea of not being able to handle things. To handle myself. So I push through. And I just keep pushing.

But sometimes, the pushing gets so friggin' tiring.

Positivity gets hard to hold on to and all I want to do sometimes is spaz out and cry. I hesitated to write that last sentence just then, because I hate the thought of people thinking about me crying. The visual might make them pity me or perceive me as weak, and gosh, I'd hate that. I've spent so long trying to prove otherwise, and here I am, undoing all my hard work.

But I'm exhausted. And anxious. Full of this unexplainable anxiety that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. And I don't know what to do, but to write about it, in hope that it'll release me, and I it.

***

A few nights ago, I had a dream about you. In the dream, we were happy. The way we once were. I was leaning on you and the sun was shining on your face as I stared up at it. You smiled at me and I saw that shininess in your eyes that I had once loved so much.

I woke up from that dream smiling. And then as I realised that it was just that - a dream- my heart ached for what had been lost.

And then I found some photos of us while cleaning my room. The snaps of moments frozen in time brought back all of these old memories - happy, shiny memories.

But things hadn't been that way for a while. And I know things can never be like that again. Still, it makes me both happy and sad to think about it.

Nostalgia's a funny thing.