blergh.

'How are you?'

'...I'm a bit blergh to be honest!'

'Blergh?'

'Yeah. I can't explain it in words really. Just blergh.'

***

Tomorrow I sit an interview for my first big-girl job. It's in front of a panel of three Chief Radiation Therapists. On one hand I'm quite confident because I know I'm good at what I do (or, rather, what I will be doing next year). On the other, I have only just started studying and I know I have the tendency to let nerves get the better of me. I stumble through my words, I shake, I sweat profusely. I have a history of not exactly making the best first impressions. Like I've said before, if I were me, I'd think I was weird.  

I've been giving myself these little mental pep-talks in between testing myself with possible interview questions. I've been telling that little part of my brain that doubts that I can do it to shut up. That whatever happens, I'll handle it. I'm a smart, proficient, articulate young lady, who is perfect for the job. I just need to be confident in me, instead of being so scared of failing.

I've been reading a book called 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' (albeit very slowly; reading has never really been my forte). I must admit that I was a little apprehensive at first about going down the self-help book road because of that whole stigma that comes with it. Telling people that you're reading that type of book usually results in laughs and subtle judgement, and sometimes not so subtle digs. But then I just thought, who the hell cares. I'm gonna do it anyway.

Anyway the point is, the book tells you that no matter what, you're still going to feel scared. Everyone does. The only way you're going to get over your fear is to push yourself to do the things that make you scared - and then realise, that they perhaps weren't so scary after all. And I don't mean things like going skydiving or bungee jumping (but if you want to do that, more power to you) - more little steps out of your comfort zone. Like, for example, the thought of driving to unfamiliar places used to make me extremely anxious. I used to get really flustered and freak out about it. Because of it I would never venture out of my local area to eat, or do other things unless someone else was driving. Recently though, I've pushed myself to step out of that comfort zone, and I've never looked back. I find myself going on little adventures all around Sydney, just for funsies. I love it (paying for petrol, not so much lol).

I'm also trying to limit my use of  the phrases 'I can't' and 'hopefully' and consciously replacing them with something along the lines of 'I know I'll handle it.' It's an adjustment, but so far it's moving me in the right direction I think.

The other day I told a friend about how I've always got the paranoids that people won't like me, or that they'll think I'm weird, or that I'm gonna offend people accidentally. I told her about how I quite often over-analyse every interaction I ever have with, well, anybody. I go over it again, and again in my head.

She put things into perspective for me, by telling me something that I rationally already knew. She said that it's human nature to want to be liked, and of course, no one ever wants to be disliked.  But not everyone is going to like you. As long as you go in with the best intentions, then that's all you can do. If you didn't mean to offend them and they get offended, then that's their problem, not yours. Don't stress over it; just accept it.

I'm still having these off days though. Where everything just gets a bit too much. And I'm tired. And I miss you. At least, the idea of you. And I stress that maybe I've made some horrible mistake with my life and that I won't be able to recover. But then I stop and breathe and think it through. Of course I'm always going to care. I'm always going to wonder, what if? What if things had been different? Part of me is always going to wish you were here to share these big milestones with me. Part of me is always going to miss you.

But there's no use in dwelling over things that can't be changed. You can't start the next chapter of your life, if you keep rereading the last one. So I'm trying to push myself, to look forward. Concentrate on what's to come, and not what's already been.

And on that note, I have an interview to prepare for.