Quiet
It's been
thirteen
years
since The
Silence
and
sometimes
it still
visits.
Only now
it's a little
different.
It's
still deafening
but
not
deadening
Is it not
as strong as it
once was?
Or am I
just a little stronger?
I still
hear it
from time
to time
It tries
to strip me
of my
power
Back down
to that
unsure
naive
teenager
it still
wants me to be
It tries
to take me back to
then
when I
thought
that we
were friends
- The
Silence and I -
before I
realized that real friends
help to
repair voids
not
consume
you with them.
Now
beyond
The
Silence
that once
consumed me
I hear it
I hear
the birds
chirping
the wind
blowing
the
planes flying overhead
and I
swear if I listen
hard
enough
I could
almost hear the sun shining
I hear
the world
as life
carries on
beyond
the silence.
Now it's
just
Quiet
And it's
nice.
*********
Today
marks thirteen years, to the day that our family changed forever. I won't
rehash the details that I've already written about in years passed. That night
has a compartment in my head that replays flashes so clearly and vividly that I
try to only very carefully and occasionally open it's door.
In many
ways I still feel like that sixteen year old girl who didn't know. Who didn't
know that things had gotten that bad. Who didn't know what she'd done.
Who didn't know that she was dying. Who didn't know how to save her. Who didn't
know about life or the toll it can take on people. But the older I get the more
I realise that no one knows really, and that the best we can do is to try and
be there as much as we can, and do as much as we can do, and be the best people
that we can be for ourselves and for those around us.
I would
like to think that I've become a person that she could be proud of. That she
would approve of (most of) my decisions and choices and that she would be happy
knowing that I've got a good head on my shoulders and have surrounded myself
with the type of people that will enrich my life as much as they've allowed me
to theirs. That she would see the balance of strength and sunshine that she
passed down to me and recognise, that I'll be okay. And I'll make sure we all
will.
