Quiet

Quiet  

It's been

thirteen years

since The Silence 

and sometimes 

it still visits.

Only now it's a little 

different.

It's still deafening

but

not deadening

Is it not as strong as it

once was?

Or am I just a little stronger?

I still hear it

from time to time

It tries to strip me 

of my power 

Back down to that 

unsure

naive teenager

it still wants me to be

It tries to take me back to 

then 

when I thought 

that we were friends 

- The Silence and I -

before I realized that real friends

help to repair voids

not 

consume you with them.

Now beyond 

The Silence

that once consumed me

I hear it

I hear

the birds chirping

the wind blowing

the planes flying overhead

and I swear if I listen

hard enough

I could almost hear the sun shining  

I hear the world

as life carries on

beyond the silence.

Now it's just

Quiet

And it's nice.

*********

Today marks thirteen years, to the day that our family changed forever. I won't rehash the details that I've already written about in years passed. That night has a compartment in my head that replays flashes so clearly and vividly that I try to only very carefully and occasionally open it's door. 

In many ways I still feel like that sixteen year old girl who didn't know. Who didn't know that things had gotten that bad. Who didn't know what she'd done. Who didn't know that she was dying. Who didn't know how to save her. Who didn't know about life or the toll it can take on people. But the older I get the more I realise that no one knows really, and that the best we can do is to try and be there as much as we can, and do as much as we can do, and be the best people that we can be for ourselves and for those around us.

I would like to think that I've become a person that she could be proud of. That she would approve of (most of) my decisions and choices and that she would be happy knowing that I've got a good head on my shoulders and have surrounded myself with the type of people that will enrich my life as much as they've allowed me to theirs. That she would see the balance of strength and sunshine that she passed down to me and recognise, that I'll be okay. And I'll make sure we all will.